ś It seems today that all you see ś
ś Is violence in movies and sex on TV ś
ś But where are those good old-fashioned values ś
ś On which we used to rely? ś
ś Lucky there's a family guy ś
ś Lucky there's a man who positively can do ś
ś All the things that make us ś
ś Laugh and cry ś
ś He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ś
Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons.
In traffic news, heavy gridlock on the 195 interchange.
We now go live to Drunk Billy in the Channel 5 news copter.
This just in.
Channel 5 news copter pilot Drunk Billy passed away today.
In anticipation of this event,
we put together a clip package
featuring some of Billy's work for Channel 5 News.
(people screaming)
"I'm still hungry," said the very hungry caterpillar.
"But you've already..."
Drunk Billy will be missed.
But what you shouldn't miss is the Quahog Rodeo,
coming to the Civic Center this Friday.
Tickets are on sale now.
And for those of you who are handy with a horse,
entry spots are still open.
Oh, God, this seems like the kind of thing Peter...
Too late, Brian.
Peter, you're gonna enter the rodeo?
That's stupid. You don't know anything about horses,
and you're in terrible shape.
You know, that's the difference between you and me, Lois.
When life comes knocking at the door,
you go and hide in the kitchen.
I fling the door wide open and I say,
"Peter Griffin here. What do you got?"
And if that don't convince you, look at this.
In this week's TV Guide, it says,
"Peter gets more than he bargained for
when he joins the rodeo."
Well, it's in the Guide.
Hey, can we make that a thing?
Can we start calling TV Guide, "the Guide"?
You know what? I'm not even asking anymore.
That's what we're doing.
Who says I couldn't be a rodeo star?
I got more cowboy blood in me than Billy the Kid.
ś Well, he robbed his way from Utah to Oklahoma ś
ś And the law just could not seem to track him down ś
ś And it served his legend well ś
ś For the folks, they loved to tell ś
ś About when Billy the Kid came to town. ś
ś ś
(song ends)
Hyah!
(screams)
Dad, what are you doing?!
All right, Meg, this is only gonna hurt
for about three weeks.
What the hell?
That there's my steer, Griffin.
All right, Lois. Go ahead. Say it.
(groans)
Chris, it's time for supper.
Ho der, ho der, ho der!
Ho der, ho der, ho der, ho der!
Ho der, ho der, ho der! Ho der, ho der!
Ho der, ho der, ho der.
(softly): Ho der, ho der, ho der.
Ho der.
All right. I am ready for the rodeo.
Mom, when's it Dad's turn?
I don't know, Chris.
But I think we should all pray for your father
that he comes out of this uninjured.
Those horses stink.
And it's too hot in here.
I fell asleep in the car, so now I'm cranky.
This is a disgusting display.
Boy, you can say that again.
Nothing like a bunch of adult men teasing animals for fun.
It's amazing that this is still legal.
The only reason I'm here
is 'cause my idiot friend is in the rodeo.
I only came 'cause I'm writing a magazine article.
One of the competitors
is a 13-year-old female riding prodigy.
Apparently she got on the bull to miscarry,
and found out she had a talent for it.
ANNOUNCER (over speaker): Ladies and gentlemen,
give an indifferent East Coast welcome
to the newest bull rider, Peter the Kid!
(screams)
You know what I am back at the ranch?
I'm a breeding bull.
W-What-What's that?
You gonna find out. (gasps)
Where you goin', fatty?
We gonna have a party.
(screaming)
No! No!
(screaming)
(sobbing)
(all gasp)
(Peter screaming)
So, what magazine do you write for?
I'm the editor for Teen People.
Editor?
Well, gosh, you know, I'm something of a writer myself.
I-I wrote for The New Yorker for a little while.
Wow, that's impressive.
Are you looking for work?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I-I never have to look too far for that.
I... W-W-What are you...
What do you... What-What do you got?
Well, we're looking for someone to write a piece
on the everyday activities
of the average American teenage girl.
Oh, I love teenage girls.
It's all ahead of them, you know?
They haven't turned into bitches yet.
Oh, it's true.
What happened to all of us?
I got a house on the Cape. Maybe you come visit.
(feebly): Maybe.
Maybe you call a few days in advance
to give me time to get the house clean.
Okay.
Maybe you bring a blazer,
so we can go to a wider range of restaurants.
I'll-I'll bring a blazer.
You see this, Rupert?
Most children build a sand castle.
But I'm building a sand retreat for singles in their 30s.
(deep voice): Hi, I'm Jeremy.
I work in corporate finance.
(high voice): Hi, I'm a French-Canadian girl
down here on my vacation.
It's a big deal for me to be down here on my own.
I like the swimming pool with a bar in it
'cause you can sit on a barstool and you're in the water.
(deep voice): I like how all the food and drink is included
in the price of the ticket.
(high voice): Yeah, that way you don't have
to bring your cash down from the room.
(deep voice): Okay, I was just looking for a friend of mine,
so maybe I'll see you later.
(high voice): Good for you, Janine.
You promised yourself you'd talk to somebody and you did it.
(normal voice): Brian, what are you doing up there?
Shh. I'm writing an article
on teenage girls for a magazine.
I'm studying Meg to see what goes on during her day.
Well, be careful you don't fall off that ladder.
Not all dogs go to heaven.
So, says here you were involved
in the plotting of September 11?
Well, that's what they get for supporting Israel.
Hyuck, yuck, yuck. Gawsh.
Okay, into the eternal pit of fire you go.
Wa-hoo-hoo-hoo-ee!
You know, Brian, just because you're writing a profile
on teenage girls, it doesn't mean you have
to be a creepy stalker and follow Meg around all day.
It's called research, Stewie.
I'm just being thorough.
Where the hell is she going?
There's nothing out in this part of town.
What is that, Brian?
What is an adult correctional institute?
It's a prison, Stewie.
Ah.
One would think they could just say that.
Hi, Meg.
Hi, Luke.
(both gasp)
Oh, my God.
Meg's dating a convict!
Oh, looks like Consuela's son is in prison.
I see you soon, Rodrigo.
Sí, mama.
It's really good to see you, Meg.
It's been a while.
I know. I'm sorry, Luke.
It's just so hard to get over here
without anybody finding out.
Have you gotten all the letters and hair that I've sent?
It's the only thing
that's getting me by, Meg. Thank you.
How'd your parole hearing go?
Not good. Looks like I'm gonna be in here
another three years. Oh, Luke.
Oh, I don't expect you to wait for me, Meg.
No, I will, Luke. If it takes ten years or 20 years,
I will be here when you get out.
Oh, my God!
Meg's involved with a convict!
Wow, Meg's like one of those crazy chicks
who hooks up with an even crazier guy.
Brian, you bastard!
How could you do this to me?!
I'm sorry, Meg. I had to tell them!
Don't give him crap for this, Meg.
He did exactly the right thing by coming to us.
Don't you know what kind of fire
you're playing with, dating a prisoner?
Hold on, Lois. This is some serious parenting.
I'm gonna go put on my Cosby sweater.
Mom, you don't understand!
Luke and I really connect, very deeply!
He's all alone in there, and I'm all alone out here.
In a way, we're both in prison.
Well, Meg, there's a big difference there.
He's in prison for a reason.
He broke the law!
He robbed a convenience store
to pay for medication for his mom.
Oh, I'm sure he gave you a very convincing sob story.
It's not a sob story! It's true!
Frankly, I don't care, Meg.
I do not want you seeing him again!
I can't find the sweater.
How the hell did you even meet him?!
We had a pen pal project at school,
and when it was over, Luke and I
just kind of kept writing to each other.
Well, it stops now!
But, Mom, I love him!
It stops now, Meg!
Your mother's right, Meg. You got to be careful
who you get involved with romantically.
(cell phone rings)
Hello?
I'm in the mood for some coitus.
Get over here.
I can't. I'm with my family.
Pick up wine on the way.
Well, Angela, if I'm really the only guy at work
who can solve it, I'll be right there.
(sobbing)
(rapping at window)
(gasps)
Luke!
What are you doing here?!
I escaped, Meg.
I escaped 'cause I just couldn't bear
another second away from you.
My God, how did you get out?
I filed down a toothbrush to a fine point
and stabbed the guard with the most kids.
What?! I'm just kidding.
Oh. I'm still getting used to your sense of humor.
Actually, there was a riot in the prison yard,
and I slipped over the fence.
Well, well, quick, get in here before somebody sees you!
Oh, Meg, I've wanted to do that for so long.
And it's nice to be in front of someone for a change.
(laughing)
Now, I know that was a joke!
(laughs) Whatever.
Hey, Meg?
Can I talk to you for a second?
(rustling, door closing)
MEG: Uh, yeah, come on in.
Listen, uh, I feel like I should explain myself
a little bit here.
I'm sorry I had to tell Lois what was going on.
You just, you gotta realize
I was only thinking about your safety and...
(man sneezes)
(growls)
Luke, you might as well come out now.
Luke! What the...? They let you out of jail?!
Not exactly.
He broke out to see me, Brian.
We're in love.
Meg, are you crazy?!
You can't harbor a fugitive. That's a felony.
Only if someone finds out.
Are you gonna do it?
Are you gonna tell on me again? Well, I-I...
Brian, will you call me on my Mickey Mouse phone?
Wait a second.
Why is that guy wearing a prison jumpsuit?
Think, Peter, think.
Wait. Hang on.
Sunday, Sunday... Here it is.
"Peter gets more than he bargains for
when he joins the rodeo." Boy, did I.
"And Meg dates a prison escapee"!
Oh, no! Luke, run!
Joe, it's Peter! Two things:
First of all, when I was over at your house the other day,
I forgot to tell you how much I like the rearrangement
you and Bonnie did with your living room furniture.
Second of all, come outside!
There's an escaped convict running across the street!
No, Luke, don't run downhill!
You're going to jail, punk!
No, Mr. Swanson, you can't take him!
Yes, I can, Meg.
He's going back to jail.
Well, if you're taking him to jail,
you have to take me, too!
I know. That's the plan.
You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict.
Oh, well, that's only fair because after all,
I did hide him from the...
What?!
Uh, hi.
Did you also get caught trying to vote in Ohio?
Well, this is it. Meg gets out of jail today.
Already? It seems like just yesterday we rented her room
to that fly that wants to leave, but can't figure it out.
(buzzing)
FLY: Okay, now where now? PETER: Right there.
I'm having some trouble here.
It's right there! It's right in front of you!
Okay, I can hear you. Volume's not a problem.
I'm just not quite seeing what you're referring to.
Okay, then fly, fly out the window.
Up here maybe? No, to your left!
No, that's not it. That's just more wall.
How many eyes do you have, huh?!
Just two, same number as you, but I can't, I'm not...
Just go! Oh, my God! Whatever it is
you're driving at, I'm just apparently not getting it,
so I'm just gonna go back upstairs. You're right there!
I think we should all go together to pick Meg up.
She's probably a little fragile after being in there so long,
and I'm sure she'll be heartened to see our faces.
I'm home. You're all my bitches now.
Okay.
Meg! You look so different.
How was prison?
First question:
who's the biggest, toughest guy in this house?
Well, I don't like to toot my own horn,
but I believe I hold the distinction... (grunts)
(grunting)
My house now, bitch!
Now, who's the funniest?
I know my way around a joke.
(gasping, grunting)
For God's sake, Dad,
have some humility! It'll save your life!
There better be beer in the fridge.
Boy, I liked her better when she was more predictable...
like the stock photos on a corporate Web site.
I'm a woman in a lab coat wearing goggles,
staring intently at a beaker that I'm holding near my face.
I'm a Latino in a hard hat,
but I'm also wearing a tie so you know I'm a supervisor.
We're college students listening to our professor,
but the class is taking place outside?!
(water running)
Hey.
Meg! What the hell are you doing in here?!
Shower time. Yeah, for me.
Not-not for... What are you doing with that loofah?
Don't worry about it.
(Peter screams)
You told me not to worry about it!
I should have been worried the whole time!
Meg, honey? I did all your laundry.
Oh, my God, what is that smell?
It's my poop bucket.
What the hell?!
I'm used to going to the bathroom in my room.
That's disgusting!
No, you use the toilet here like everyone else!
No. Ugh!
God, it smells horrible!
Well, can you at least empty it each time you use it?
I like to fill it up.
I'm not making a million trips.
Oh, my God, are you using my shirts as toilet paper?
Yeah. And I think
I might need some right now.
Get out now or stay and get weird.
Your call, warden.
Hey, who's the new dude?
Oh, my God, that's Meg Griffin!
She just got out of prison!
Hey, Meg, what'd they put you in jail for,
being ugly?
(all laugh)
Hey, Meg, what happened?
Did you get out early for fat behavior?
(all laugh)
Nice tattoo.
Did you get your butt hair braided, too,
while you were in there? (all laugh)
What'd you do, carve a gun out of soap
and then not wash with it? Ha-ha! P.U.
(all laugh)
Hey, Meg, are you gonna take those soda cans
to the Shawskank Redemption Center?
(all laugh)
Peter, Meg's been suspended from school.
That's okay. Whatever she wants to do.
She cracked three kids' skulls open!
Ever since she's gotten out of prison,
she is completely out of control.
Don't you see?
That's what the penal system does in this country.
It turns small-time offenders into hardened criminals.
Look at Meg. They took an innocent little girl
and turned her into a psychotic, sociopathic freak.
(all gasp) What'd you say, Brian?
Oh, I-I was just picking up on something Lois said.
What-what was it? What'd you say, Lois?
Something about Meg being a freak?
Oh, no, I didn't say anything.
Uh, Peter said something about Meg,
which I completely disagree with.
That-that-that wasn't me.
Stewie was really laying into Meg about something.
Yeah, it was Stewie. Definitely Stewie.
Oh, so now everyone understands me.
Look, Meg, we're just worried about you.
Well, don't. I can take care of myself.
I'll be out of here by the end of the week.
Punch yourself in the face.
(whimpers)
Punch yourself in the face!
(whimpering)
All right, he doesn't know what he's doing.
You, fatso, punch your baby in the fa...
I did good, Meg?
Shut up.
I did good. I did good.
Drive.
Uh, any particular direction?
That way.
You're gonna help me get some money
so I can get out of this town.
Really? Where are you gonna go?
I don't know. Somewhere far away.
Maybe China.
I hear they got NASCAR there now.
(yelling in Mandarin)
What kind of birdhouse can you build
with Popsicles, roofies and a mallet?
It's for a rare African bird called "Nunya Business."
Hi, Meg. Can I help you?
Hands in the air, Goldman!
Oh, my God, what are you doing?!
Gimme your money!
Here, here, just take this jar
for the leukemia kids.
I don't give it to 'em anyhow.
Meg, put down the gun.
Brian, get back in the car!
Look, don't do this. This isn't you, Meg.
What happened to the girl we used to know?
The one that Luke fell in love with?
The one he's expecting to see
when he steps out of that prison in 40 years?
I don't care about Luke.
I don't need him. I don't need anyone!
Look, if you don't put the gun down,
I'm gonna be forced to call the police.
Good! Call the police!
I want you to!
What do I care if I go back to prison?
Nobody cares about me anyway!
You're wrong, Meg.
I want to show you something.
Teen People?
It's the article I wrote about you.
You wrote an article about me?
They wanted a story
about a typical teenage girl.
Is it "A Fistful of Backne: Tale of a Teenage Loser"?
Yeah, they make the title. Read paragraph three.
MORT: This isn't a library, you know.
"And in the face of every adolescent challenge,
"she looks at the world through hopeful eyes
"and maintains an uncommon resilience
"that can only be admired.
"In this sense, Meg Griffin is not the typical American girl.
She is far sweeter and kinder than that."
Oh, God, that is so nice, Brian.
Did you mean all that?
Of course I did.
Oh, my God.
I-I can't believe I did this.
I was just so tired of being everyone's whipping girl
that it felt kind of good to do some of the whipping.
Give me the gun, Meg.
Thanks for reminding me who I really am.
Well, at least I didn't get robbed.
(bell over door chiming)
And what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today?
I got to say, Meg, I like you so much better like this.
Me, too, Meg.
God, it must have been horrible in there.
It wasn't so bad.
I met Wesley Snipes. Is that right?
Yeah. Oh, and you know what's funny?
He was inmate 57, too.
Huh? He was inmate 57?
See, he did a movie called Passenger 57.
Ah.
Well, terrific.
Always end on a strong joke.